Thursday, October 27, 2011

In Limbo...

I'm feeling a bit in Limbo at the moment. A space I've been before I think. But a space I can't fully explain or really even understand. Its just a big lot of I don't know. I don't know how I feel, what I think. What I want.

I'm in a space I was a few weeks ago again. The space where life is busy and I haven't had a lot of time to sit and be still and miss my boy. I don't think I'd cried for over a week until last night. I don't get hit by a rollercoaster of emotion very often. And this moving house business keeps your mind and body active, on other things.

But that's not where I want to be. I actually quite like being in my grieving moments.

I like being sad. I like FEELING. And MISSING him. I feel like his Mother then.

It almost feels at the moment like another dimension. Was this my life only a few short weeks ago? Is this really MY baby that died? That I held in my arms for such a short time. That now I can never again.

I am forgetting too easily. And it PETRIFIES me. I don't want to forget. Ever!

As the days and weeks pass, he is further and further from being in my arms. Was it really only 7.5 weeks ago? Really? It seems an eternity ago. My mind is failing me. My memory fails me. That, or my heart protects me. I don't want to be protected. I want to FEEL him. To REMEMBER him. Don't go, sweet Sebastian, don't ever leave me.

I find myself doing strange things around babies now. Like I need to see them, I want to know what they look like. To then wonder what Seb would look like now. Oh, that baby looks about 8 weeks too. Would my boy be looking a bit like that now?

Today as I drove into the carpark of the local Kmart to get some things for our new place, a grandmother was carrying her grand-daughter to their car. I craned my neck to see baby's face. I HAD to see her. I'm not sure what that need is about, but it can be overwhelming. Needing to see babies in their fullness right now, possibly to the point of looking stalkerish, oh dear! The baby was asleep in Nana's arms, a dead weight. Her arm flopped out from under Nana's armpit. Her face was nuzzled into Nana's chest. The arm almost looked limp and lifeless like Seb's were. So lifeless. But I knew this baby was not dead. She was alive and well and just asleep in her Nana's arms. I'm sure they were blissfully unaware that another mother was looking on, just wishing that baby was my own - only just asleep. Not dead. Not gone.

Its all up and down this road. Yes for me there's been many more good days. I don't cry a lot. I don't look like I've lost a baby less than 2 months ago. But I guess what am I supposed to look like?

I struggle because I don't know how to miss him. I didn't know him. I don't know how to grieve and miss something I never fully knew.

It comes fleetingly.

Last night as I sat stitching some of the lettering of the blocks we've been given for Seb's memory blanket, I felt a strange sensation down low in my belly. It took me back to when I would feel Seb kicks earlier on. Down really low, really inside. It startled me a little as I was taken back there for just a moment.

As I lay in bed last night, I allowed myself to really think about him. Writing a blog post in my mind, but one that I don't feel like writing today. It seems that thinking the things I would write make me think about him, make me realise the magnitude of what this loss is really about. Allowing my scar to tear open a little, and bleed just a little more.

I don't want to forget. I don't want to get over it. I kinda want to be stuck in this raw early grief. It saddens me to think that life will go on - a different normal maybe, but that I seem normal and fine to everyone else. I don't WANT to be. I don't want to be strong. I want to be weak. At least then people will know I'm not OK. They might want to talk about Seb to me, ask questions. But then they probably won't. I really struggle with the lack of mentioning him. The fact that days and conversations can go by and he's not there anymore.

I just want him in everything.

Mostly in my arms again.


  1. I pray that beautiful Sebastian will stay forever in your mind, and in ours! I think that God sees and knows your heart and will never let you forget him entirely. His gorgeous little face will come back to you in the best moments, right when you need it to. God is so good and he made such a beautiful little soul in Seb :)

  2. Ooh Natalie, I cant imagine the pain you are feeling right now, I pray that in time you gain comfort knowing that little Sebastian is watching over his family and walking with you as you go through your days, while he walks by God's side. God Bless xx

  3. oh Natalie, my sweet friend, i know only to well that you are not ok, but people assume that because you are 'carrying on as normal' things must be getting better, of course nothing is further from the truth. Life does go on but that doesn't mean you are not thinking about your precious Sebastian and of course you want to talk about him he is part of your family. I still want to talk about my little Erin all the time, even now! I know that i will never forget little Seb. <3

  4. Hugs Nat. So weird as I was at Kmart today and I think I saw that grandmother and baby. Thinking of you now and always xxx I know I will never forget baby Sebby xx

  5. Nat, thank you so much for posting such a beautifully honest post about how you feel. You've helped me find the words to express what I've been struggling with in my own heart. Sending you and Sebby all my love today <3

  6. It must be so hard for you to see other babies around the place and wonder what Seb would look like now. I'm so sorry mate. What a treasure and blessing those photos are that you have of gorgeous to help you remember him as you walk this journey.
    Love you mate x


Thank you for stopping by and leaving a message. May your day be blessed. xx

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...