I'm feeling a bit in Limbo at the moment. A space I've been before I think. But a space I can't fully explain or really even understand. Its just a big lot of I don't know. I don't know how I feel, what I think. What I want.
I'm in a space I was a few weeks ago again. The space where life is busy and I haven't had a lot of time to sit and be still and miss my boy. I don't think I'd cried for over a week until last night. I don't get hit by a rollercoaster of emotion very often. And this moving house business keeps your mind and body active, on other things.
But that's not where I want to be. I actually quite like being in my grieving moments.
I like being sad. I like FEELING. And MISSING him. I feel like his Mother then.
It almost feels at the moment like another dimension. Was this my life only a few short weeks ago? Is this really MY baby that died? That I held in my arms for such a short time. That now I can never again.
I am forgetting too easily. And it PETRIFIES me. I don't want to forget. Ever!
As the days and weeks pass, he is further and further from being in my arms. Was it really only 7.5 weeks ago? Really? It seems an eternity ago. My mind is failing me. My memory fails me. That, or my heart protects me. I don't want to be protected. I want to FEEL him. To REMEMBER him. Don't go, sweet Sebastian, don't ever leave me.
I find myself doing strange things around babies now. Like I need to see them, I want to know what they look like. To then wonder what Seb would look like now. Oh, that baby looks about 8 weeks too. Would my boy be looking a bit like that now?
Today as I drove into the carpark of the local Kmart to get some things for our new place, a grandmother was carrying her grand-daughter to their car. I craned my neck to see baby's face. I HAD to see her. I'm not sure what that need is about, but it can be overwhelming. Needing to see babies in their fullness right now, possibly to the point of looking stalkerish, oh dear! The baby was asleep in Nana's arms, a dead weight. Her arm flopped out from under Nana's armpit. Her face was nuzzled into Nana's chest. The arm almost looked limp and lifeless like Seb's were. So lifeless. But I knew this baby was not dead. She was alive and well and just asleep in her Nana's arms. I'm sure they were blissfully unaware that another mother was looking on, just wishing that baby was my own - only just asleep. Not dead. Not gone.
Its all up and down this road. Yes for me there's been many more good days. I don't cry a lot. I don't look like I've lost a baby less than 2 months ago. But I guess what am I supposed to look like?
I struggle because I don't know how to miss him. I didn't know him. I don't know how to grieve and miss something I never fully knew.
It comes fleetingly.
Last night as I sat stitching some of the lettering of the blocks we've been given for Seb's memory blanket, I felt a strange sensation down low in my belly. It took me back to when I would feel Seb kicks earlier on. Down really low, really inside. It startled me a little as I was taken back there for just a moment.
As I lay in bed last night, I allowed myself to really think about him. Writing a blog post in my mind, but one that I don't feel like writing today. It seems that thinking the things I would write make me think about him, make me realise the magnitude of what this loss is really about. Allowing my scar to tear open a little, and bleed just a little more.
I don't want to forget. I don't want to get over it. I kinda want to be stuck in this raw early grief. It saddens me to think that life will go on - a different normal maybe, but that I seem normal and fine to everyone else. I don't WANT to be. I don't want to be strong. I want to be weak. At least then people will know I'm not OK. They might want to talk about Seb to me, ask questions. But then they probably won't. I really struggle with the lack of mentioning him. The fact that days and conversations can go by and he's not there anymore.
I just want him in everything.
Mostly in my arms again.