Monday, October 10, 2011

You were meant to be here...

My dearest Sebby,

Today is the 10th of October, today is your Due Date. Sometime this week, we were supposed to be surrounded by happiness, bringing home our fourth little treasure, a very much loved part of our family.
You are still that very much loved part my dear boy, but we are so sad that we cannot bring you home, and there is a gaping hole in our family where you are supposed to be.

I had so many plans for you, sweet boy.

I was so excited about using cloth nappies again. Before the scan that changed our lives, I had started buying a whole heap of MCNs, brands I'd wanted to try out in the last few years since your sister toilet-trained. I'd even bought a whole lot of gorgeous minky off a friend because I was really excited to get back into making some nappies - something I haven't done in years now - but was going to for you. The MCNs and the minky now sit in a box just looking at me and reminding me of what was meant to be.

I was also really looking forward to decorating your nursery. A special place for my little baby and his Mummy to spend hours together. I was going to sew it all myself too. Curtains, a nappy stacker, a cot quilt, canvases for your wall, and of course a name plaque above your cot. I so dreamed about it.
But now I can't. There is no you to put in your nursery. I watched as other expecting mums around me added bits and pieces to their baby's room - a handmade quilt or mobile, a special teddybear. All things we couldn't have for you.

Christmas is coming, and we were supposed to be celebrating your First Christmas. We were so excited. I would have made you a cute little Christmas nappy cover, and maybe a shirt. We would have had a family pic for the Christmas card. But now Christmas is just not going to be the same. This year particularly won't be all smiles and happy times. We will be missing you. A little clay angel in the tree with your name will remind us of the one we are missing, but it was supposed to be you. The presents we buy were supposed to be for our baby, and now this year we will give them to a child in need instead. We know they will be loved, but it was supposed to be loved by you sweet boy.

Next year your sister Lani goes to school, a big Prep girl. It was going to be perfect, you and I would have so much time together at home, just the two of us. And now people say to me 'oh Lani is going to school next year, what are you going to do with yourself with all your spare time?' and all I can think of is that I was supposed to have a baby at home with me. I was supposed to be playing Mum. And now the thought that I might have to go and work, well it just breaks my heart into a million pieces. It wasn't meant to be like that.

And these are only the immediate dreams we've had dashed. There are so many thousands more moments in your life we just won't have. Things I'll grieve for the rest of my days, as I watch the other kids have these moments and remember you never will - well here on Earth with me anyway. All we have are a few very precious photographs of a very brief moment in time with you. But they will be treasured dearly forever.

Sebastian, you are so loved and so missed. I miss you more every day lately, it seems. This isn't really getting easier yet, its only getting harder. I'm only missing you more. I'm only try to grasp at the small amount of memories I had more. I miss you so much.

I know you are safe and warm in the arms of angels in Heaven, and I know its far more wonderful that this world could ever be. But I wonder if you know me there? Do you miss me there?

Coz you've left a big hole here. One that will never be filled, that will always ache.

I love you and I miss you my baby boy...
Mummy xx

10 comments:

  1. Much love to you Nat xxx

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  2. katherinemichellekellyOctober 10, 2011 at 7:31 PM

    Grieving over possibilities lost :-( Such a hard day Nat. Hope you have dreams full of memories tonight.

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  3. Hey mate,
    I didn't realise until i read this that today was your due date otherwise I really would have called. I feel so bad that I didnt know that. Why didn't I write that down? Anyway, so sorry that you can't hold your Sebby tonight mate. Your heart must ache so much. I wish I was there to give you a great big hug and so that we could laugh together and cry together in person. Am praying for you Natti.

    Darling Sebby, you are so loved sweetheart. I can't even begin to tell you how much we all wanted you to be here darling boy. We think of you so much. And we love you always.

    Lus x

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  4. thinking of you all-- may God bless and keep you.

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  5. you your family and little Seb are very much in my thoughts Nat

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  6. It does get harder for a while....But God is your strength and will guide you through those hard days that are here and will come. He never left me and He will not leave you! You life is changed, but not over! Praying for you today!

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  7. Matt & Stacy AubeOctober 11, 2011 at 9:12 AM

    I know that "it just keeps getting harder" feeling all too well... It's still so brand new. Hang on sister, our Lord has not forgotten you. Praying for your Mama's heart and wishing he was here with you, too. ♥

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  8. Thanks Amy, you are so encouraging. I pray I can continue to be that to others also. God bless you xx

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  9. Thanks gorgeous girl. The day wasn't too bad really. I just allowed myself to think of the 'what was supposed to be' for this post - a little reflective time. But that was not the plan for our life or for Seb's. God has more planned here. And it will be good. And I will trust that He will bring me through this valley to stand upon a mountain.

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  10. Nat,
    I hope that you were able to get through what should have been your due date and as others have said, and as one who has had this experience, the first year is just so hard in so many ways, empty arms but a heart brimming with the love of a mother. Wanting to share your the memories. Take time, surround yourself with Seb and all that he was and is. I slept with Lachlan's special blanket, the one he was wrapped in after birth for an entire year, just so that he was close by.

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