Friday, October 14, 2011

Moving... but not 'on'...

I have been wanting to get on the blog for a few days this week. I've had some great thoughts at varying times that I thought I should write down. But every time I've sat down to write, the inspiration has left me. So I don't know if I should just come on and start 5 different posts, just to leave them as drafts. Just to get my thoughts down. Maybe.
 Its been a bit of a crazy week here. As we come to Friday, I'm exhausted. Mostly mentally drained. So much going on for us right now.

Poor Eli has been home from school this week with an ear infection. Did I mention home from school. ALL WEEK LONG. I only just got to have some 'me time' again last week, and its been snatched away from me this week. Ugh. Not that I don't love my little boy to Heaven and back, and want to dote on him and look after him and all that. But its just been a draining and long week, especially when the two of the little ones are at home. So demanding.

So I've hardly had 5 minutes to my own thoughts to write, you see.

On a more exciting note - and a very good reason why we've been so crazy busy - we are moving house next week!

This has been a long time coming for us - well the good part of this whole year really. Our lease is finally up end of November, and we are finally getting out of here!

It may seem like a crazy time to move, but we've just been through so much with our poor-excuse-for-landlords this year so we just need to MOVE ON. And there are many things in this house that just aren't working for us right now. Really the extra stress of only one toilet (when we have 3 boys in the house who ALL want to go #2 at the same time!?) and a kitchen that only I can really fit in are not needed anymore!

A new start.

And don't get me wrong, I don't want to 'move on' from our last few months with Sebastian and all that. Of course not. I'm nowhere near that. I still think of him every single day many many times and want to talk about him every single minute of every single day. But a new start means putting some things behind us and finding our new normal and embracing it.

It means that we will be able to redecorate a new place and find a very special place for Sebastian, a place where he can't be physically, but a space that will be all his anyway. We don't really have that in this house. We knew we were going to be moving end of November (now its sooner), so even if he was here, he probably would have just been in a bassinet our room until we moved - and then he would have had his own place. Now, he will still have his own spot, it will just be a part of our garden, and a wall in our house. Maybe a shelf too - he deserves to be across a few places. We will think about him in every room of the house, so it seems fitting that a little piece of him can go in every room too, or almost.

When we looked at his house last week (we are renting), and as I walked into the backyard, I noticed a little landing up behind the garden shed. It was perfect. I said to Jaidyn as we walked past, 'Look, we could put our little garden bench there for Seb.'

We had just been talking about what memorial we could have for him last week. I had expressed to Greg that I was struggling a little with not having a grave site for him - a place I can go to to be with him. A place I can lay flowers or take a balloon or something just for him. And then a friend suggested in an email that we could get a little park bench for him and place it in the garden. It sounded perfect. That way we can get a plaque made for it too, and I can sit in it and just be. Just be a little closer to him, and a little closer to God. It might seem a little materialisic, as of course I know Seb won't be there (even if his ashes are) - I know he is safe and warm and whole in the arms of Jesus - but as my friend Stacy said the same thing of her little girl and her gravesite, I just need some way to nurture him. Some way that I can love on him and feel like a mother. Something I can take care of.

We will probably also get a plant of sorts. I'm leaning towards a red rose bush, but I tend to have a bit of black thumb so I'm scared I'd kill it, and that would break my heart to not be able to keep Seb's plant alive, you know? Greg wants to get a bonzai tree. I like that idea too. We can have a few special things around the place that remind us of Seb. He is afterall a very important part of our family, and we want him to be in our home, all over it.

And so the packing, the sorting, the stuff everywhere... I guess its just making my mind and heart feel a little the same way. Sorting out things. Stuff everywhere. You know, like when your house is cluttered, your mind can be somewhat the same?

I'm just keen to get in the house and make it a home. A beautiful new home for my family.

There are so many things I want to be doing right now. Time is not my friend in this regard. I mean, can we just add an extra 24 hours to each day please? And can I have some magic pill where I don't need to sleep?

I have announcement/thankyou cards to still design, print and send. And being the perfectionist I am, I kinda want to do them myself.

I still have to order Seb's feet castings. It will take pride and place somewhere in our lounge room in the new place, I know that much. Just not sure on mat colour yet - and maybe I should just wait till we move in and then I can choose what will match perfectly.

We are also coming up to Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day this Saturday. I guess I would have like to be a bit more organised for it, and do something special - but I just don't think its the right time for us this year. Maybe next year I can get more involved.

God's also been talking to me about my future. Where He wants me. Putting some exciting things on my heart. But I just don't have time to explore it right now. I know the bible says there's a time for everything under Heaven - and I know the time will come, but I just want to do everything now. You know?

Sigh.

Anyways. That's my cluttered brain right now. Too much going on. But some really good things in there too. I really can't wait to be in our new house. So. Can't. Wait. I envision myself just standing in the loungeroom unpacking things and listening to worship music as I work. Kids at school of course. Some lovely me time with my God, my new house and setting up some special places for my very loved boy. Making my home a little haven of love.

Oh, and my dear sewing sisters bought me a Robomaid this week!! I'm very excited to give her a whirl at the new house too! Her name is Alice. You know, after the maid from The Brady Bunch. I look forward to watching her do my housework. lol. Just wish she could also do laundry, cook dinner and make beds.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-9
There is a time for everything,
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.

6 comments:

  1. I have been following your posts/blog and as you don't know me, didn't want to post. Today I changed my mind. I just want to say how much of an inspiration you are. I don't want to say you are brave (although I think you are) but maybe you don't want to be brave so I'll just say you are an inspiration. I am so sorry about dear Sebby but I love all the things you have done to keep his memory alive, especially the photos. Those are things you can cherish forever. And the bench/plant to go and sit and be closer to him.

    All the best with moving house. Maybe it's a good time to move, maybe it's not but you have to do it so may God be with you and give you the energy to get things done and not be too exhausted.

    Your faith is also an inspiration to me as I feel I have somewhat lost mine a little. You make me want to get a relationship with God again, as I once did have. He helps us cope through things. Sometimes you will have bad days but he is there, sending love and help your way.

    Thank you for being you. Thank you for your inspiration and good luck with your move, my dear.

    Paula

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  2. Thankyou so much for leaving your comment Paula. I love meeting new people through my blog and it warms my heart when I hear my words have meant something in someone else's life.
    I pray that God will draw Himself so close to you right now, that you will feel He is right there, and that you will be able to re-establish that close relationship you once had - He is waiting for you, all you need to do is say Yes.

    Nat xx

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  3. katherinemichellekellyOctober 14, 2011 at 7:09 PM

    Hi Nat,
    Maybe you could plant a crab apple tree! They are beautiful, and I'm pretty sure they produce rosy red fruit when in season! I guess it's not the kind of plant that can easily go with you when you move house and that one day you would have to leave it for another family. BUT, isn't that exactly Seb's legacy? I might not be here with my family, but joy I will leave with them!

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  4. That sounds perfect Katherine. Something on my business page suggested an apple tree - but a CRAB apple tree with red fruits - sounds like it was made for Seb!! I wonder if they would work in a large pot?? I will have to look into it, sounds super exciting though!!

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  5. Matt & Stacy AubeOctober 15, 2011 at 3:40 AM

    what's a robomaid? Sounds like something I could use! I'm so glad that you like the bench idea and that you are feeling so excited in the midst of change and pain.
    If you plant something and it doesn't do well, you can always plant something else so just go for whatever feels perfect to you and take it from there. (Bleeding heart plants are very symbolic too and they come in red.)
    Oh, and I just want to tell you... when you say that you are wanting time with God, just remember that the bible says that everything you do for one of these, you do for ME. Every thing you do for your children all day... no matter how insignificant it may feel, IS for God and is time with Him. It's easy to lose sight of that because taking care of little ones is so draining and we like our time with God to feel good, but never forget that it is a ministry in itself and a high calling. God is there in those moments too and so very proud of the Mama you are!

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  6. Thanks Stacy, that is so true - and I was only just telling a friend that same thing the other day - AND God also kinda spoke that to me in my quiet time this morning (if having the kids asking for breakfast in the midst can be called quiet time)... thanks for your reminder also.

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