A journey to me is something long, something with highs and lows, something with life lessons. This is certainly the road we take.
Today has been hard. Real hard.
Now admittedly, I am probably adding fuel to my own fire. I read blogs, I listen to songs on YouTube. And then I cry. Its a hard balance between feeling good for having a bit of a cry and sobbing my heart out and wanting out.
Today I wanted out. I've walked this road, mostly understanding and being obedient to God's calling on my life. I know that He never promised us an easy life. In fact, the Bible talks many times about going through trials, suffering and pain. God's people back then did, and God's people today will. Its just part of life. And even God went through the immense heartache of having to lose his Son. He was prepared, He knew it was coming, He could even have changed things, but He knew He had to sacrifice Jesus for the rest of humanity. So if God can go through this pain, why should I feel I deserve not to.
Even Jesus, in His time of impending death, cried out to God and asked him to 'take this cup from me' (Matthew 26:39, Mark 14:36, Luke 22:42). He didn't want to go through it anymore! He was scared. If even Jesus, the very son of God could feel this, then I know I am going to go through the same things, and that its OK for me to feel this too. Doesn't make it easier to feel it though. Today I literally cried out to God that I don't want to do this anymore! Why do I have to go through this? Can it stop right now? Haven't we been through enough? Please heal him!
But just as Jesus knew his destiny was not up to Him, I do too. He goes on to say 'Yet not my will, but yours'. I know that its all in God's Hands. Its just hard to not be able to change anything sometimes. As humans, we want a certain amount of control in our lives - something I am realising I do a little more than I ever realised, or maybe just more now? Human nature can be a bitch sometimes.
Looking back on this week, and wondering where the emotion came from I think I can see. I have had a good couple of weeks previously. I was keeping myself busy I think, enough to not have to focus on what's to come. We had our beautiful baby shower (will have to post on that next), and that kept me busy - being the slight control freak I am! Then we've also been looking at houses to rent and move. That's also kept my mind busy in the last week. But now its all over, there's nothing to take the focus, and I don't really have the energy for anything else to. And so my mind refocuses on our road. We've made it now to 33 weeks. While every week is a celebration, its also a hard reminder of how close we're getting to D-Day. To the time when our whole world is going to be turned upside down. When we need to REALLY face the emotions and scenarios we've been 'preparing for'. I read a fellow angel mum's blog this morning and she had said that even though she had tried to prepare herself, she doesn't think she was ever REALLY prepared to lose her child. I mean, how can you be, really? Its one of those completely unnatural parts of life that we really shouldn't ever have to be doing.
And so fear creeps in. I pray it away, but its part of this journey, just as Jesus felt the same fear in the garden before he was arrested.
All I can do is hold onto my God. He has me by the hand, and He has Seb by the hand. And I am comforted in that.