The monster has got me again. You know, that one that whispers 'You're not good enough.' 'Look at this Mum, or this blogger, or this crafter, or this woman with the fabulous body... you can't be as good as her, you can't do it like she does...'
You know that one, right? I know you do.
I've always been plagued by comparisons. Not pressure from anyone else really, just myself. Well, the enemy within myself. He knows I try to 'measure up', I try to be super Mum, super crafter, super blogger. Geez, he also knows that I know how ridiculous that sounds, but in the moments of traipsing around the blog world, I get caught up, again and again.
But it really holds me back, always have. I shy away from my crafting, my writing because I don't feel I measure up, in many ways, on any given day.
And so, I just haven't bothered to write here. But what have I missed out on. Recording the moments in my newborn's life that I can't get back - those firsts, those little moments. I have the photos, sure, but I don't have the little memories written down now.
I was chatting to a new friend over the weekend, trying to explain to her what a blog is. I was trying to tell her about the shift blogging has made in the last few years - where its gone from a 'web log' or a dear diary as such as it really was when I first started recording my life on the web, to now where its all about having and reaching followers, writing 'to' readers, sharing 'with' readers, having something interesting to contribute to 'the world'. And it got me thinking why. Why has it shifted so? Why is everything about measuring up in others' eyes?
And I guess that's all in the eye of the beholder that part. No, its not always about measuring up. Yet, in sharing with the world, encouraging other mothers, crafters, writers, there's always this pressure to be awesome. This one up on each other sort of thing. This 'keeping up with the Joneses'.
And that's where the enemy knows to cut me right down. He knows I compare myself with everyone else, and that I won't share, won't write unless I think its worthy.
I craft and I bake, and do you know I take photos of everything I do, 'just in case' I feel like making a tutorial - so that everyone will think I'm much much cooler. (well that's it in a nutshell?) I don't think I've got to any of those tutorials (as you can see by clicking on the blank link in the top bar). Story of my life.
And so I thought, what IS the reason I blog? Is it to reach others? Or is it to record MY things in MY life - mostly for me?
I guess it is both, but I think I need to get back to the basics of the original reason - and that is for ME. I want to record the moments in my life, in my grief, in my joy. I want to be able to go back and read them, and remember what it was like in that moment. Remember the little things. Not just 'to get my tutorial on Pinterest'.
Maybe my problem is I just don't know what my calling is, my niche. I am a part of so many different 'areas' and never know what my blog should be about. It seems hard to make it a babyloss blog, but a crafting blog, but a family blog... you see what I mean? But all those things make up who I am!
So I will try to keep up with those Joneses a little less. I will try to come in here and write, little bits and pieces (so that it doesn't end up being a huge long post that I never have time to finish). I don't put pressure on myself to do it daily or even weekly as our life is busy. But I do want to get these things down.
A challenge to you. Why do you blog? Is it for you? Or for others? And of course, there's no right answer, its all personal. Its very much right to do it either way, and there's ministry in both.
But we need to be able to freely write without having to think if we're worthy or if our post is 'pinnable' etc. Right? Would love you to share your 'soul searching' with me.