Today it marks 3 months - and 13 weeks, a Sunday - since you left us. Since we held your tiny body. Since I kissed that perfect button nose and tickled your perfect little toes. I miss you darling. So very much.
Days often go on as 'normal' around here - having older siblings tends to mean there aren't a lot of quiet times around here. But you are never very far from your Mama's mind and heart. I think about you everyday, many times. I don't always cry - in fact, I don't really cry a lot - but it doesn't mean I don't feel the pain of your absense.
I have come to realise my worst trigger - while out in public - is hearing babies crying. I can't help but look at them, but then I can't help but wish you were in my arms. I watched a mother nursing her baby girl yesterday while the kids played at the park, and the tears stung the corners of my eyes, threatening to fall. They didn't, but my heart cried for you. I so wish I could snuggle you in tight to my breast, hear your sweet sucking noises, feel your little fingers playing underneath, or grabbing for Mummy's hair. I really miss all that I'm going to miss, and as the time goes, I only seem to notice those things more - the things I don't have you here for.
It breaks my heart that you're not here for Christmas this year. I love Christmas, and while I have been able to enjoy the decorating thus far, there is still a certain emptiness, a hole that you were supposed to fill.
We have kept the red on our tree this year baby boy. I couldn't change it, not this year. Maybe not ever. Red is your colour, and without you to share our Christmases with, I will need something of you. Red might be that. Beautiful red baubles over the tree to remind me of my sweet boy.
|Our beautiful Bella Grace angel baby bauble |
takes front and centre on the tree this year.
|Our tree, adorned in red and pink this year. |
Holds many special ornaments reminding me of you, and many other babies there with you.
We have received a few beautiful ornaments for the tree from friends, already. They think of you a lot sweet boy. They love and miss you. They love us. The Christmas tree is adorned with so many reminders of not only you, but the many other babies who share Heaven with you this Christmas. So many mamas that will be missing their sweet babies for the holidays, and beyond. And so when I look at my tree, I smile, mostly because I see you.
|Two little hearts on this one for sweet|
Zoe & Addie.... sleep in Heavenly Peace...
|A silver star for Erin-Rose...|
|I added a splash of blue just for Josiah Finn...|
|A sparkly white butterfly for Eva...|
|Lani picked out this pink bauble for Hannah...|
|A beautiful pink butterfly for Sienna...|
|Big sparkly bauble for Seb from Bec xx|
|This one reminded me of Heather's 5 angels... sleep in Heavenly Peace...|
My boy, today marks 3 months since you left us. As I've mentioned in the past, sometimes it feels like it was years ago, sometimes I can't believe how quickly time passes us by. Sometimes I feel so robbed by time. She just keeps going, on and on, and I'm often stuck here. Just missing you.
We had Sienna's family over today. Bec and I talked about you and Sienna. We watched our other children play and I'm sure she felt the same hole I did. Our sweet babies. Missing. But its good to be in the company of others who know this road too. Lani and I made you some angel cookies on Friday. I iced them this morning and thought they would be perfect for celebrating your 3 month birthday in Heaven. I embellished them with an 'S' - reminds me of you and of Sienna too.
I miss you so much my darling. My arms ache, and I know Christmas is going to be hard. Why couldn't you stay? I know that there is a plan that's bigger than me here at work. God is working through you already. He will prevail. He conquers the grave!
I love you.