Sunday, December 4, 2011

3 months without you...

My dearest Sebby,

Today it marks 3 months - and 13 weeks, a Sunday - since you left us. Since we held your tiny body. Since I kissed that perfect button nose and tickled your perfect little toes. I miss you darling. So very much.

Days often go on as 'normal' around here - having older siblings tends to mean there aren't a lot of quiet times around here. But you are never very far from your Mama's mind and heart. I think about you everyday, many times. I don't always cry - in fact, I don't really cry a lot - but it doesn't mean I don't feel the pain of your absense.

I have come to realise my worst trigger - while out in public - is hearing babies crying. I can't help but look at them, but then I can't help but wish you were in my arms. I watched a mother nursing her baby girl yesterday while the kids played at the park, and the tears stung the corners of my eyes, threatening to fall. They didn't, but my heart cried for you. I so wish I could snuggle you in tight to my breast, hear your sweet sucking noises, feel your little fingers playing underneath, or grabbing for Mummy's hair. I really miss all that I'm going to miss, and as the time goes, I only seem to notice those things more - the things I don't have you here for.

It breaks my heart that you're not here for Christmas this year. I love Christmas, and while I have been able to enjoy the decorating thus far, there is still a certain emptiness, a hole that you were supposed to fill.

We have kept the red on our tree this year baby boy. I couldn't change it, not this year. Maybe not ever. Red is your colour, and without you to share our Christmases with, I will need something of you. Red might be that. Beautiful red baubles over the tree to remind me of my sweet boy.

Our beautiful Bella Grace angel baby bauble
takes front and centre on the tree this year.

Our tree, adorned in red and pink this year.
Holds many special ornaments reminding me of you, and many other babies there with you.

We have received a few beautiful ornaments for the tree from friends, already. They think of you a lot sweet boy. They love and miss you. They love us. The Christmas tree is adorned with so many reminders of not only you, but the many other babies who share Heaven with you this Christmas. So many mamas that will be missing their sweet babies for the holidays, and beyond. And so when I look at my tree, I smile, mostly because I see you.

Two little hearts on this one for sweet
Zoe & Addie.... sleep in Heavenly Peace...
A silver star for Erin-Rose...
I added a splash of blue just for Josiah Finn...
A sparkly white butterfly for Eva...
Lani picked out this pink bauble for Hannah...
A beautiful pink butterfly for Sienna...

Big sparkly bauble for Seb from Bec xx

BEAUTIFUL glass angel from my friend Liz...
This one reminded me of Heather's 5 angels... sleep in Heavenly Peace...
(There's a few more ornaments I need to collect, but finding it hard to find something daisy related - for sweet Rachel - and an apple for Pip... haha.... might have to just get creative there...)

My boy, today marks 3 months since you left us. As I've mentioned in the past, sometimes it feels like it was years ago, sometimes I can't believe how quickly time passes us by. Sometimes I feel so robbed by time. She just keeps going, on and on, and I'm often stuck here. Just missing you.

We had Sienna's family over today. Bec and I talked about you and Sienna. We watched our other children play and I'm sure she felt the same hole I did. Our sweet babies. Missing. But its good to be in the company of others who know this road too. Lani and I made you some angel cookies on Friday. I iced them this morning and thought they would be perfect for celebrating your 3 month birthday in Heaven. I embellished them with an 'S' - reminds me of you and of Sienna too.


I miss you so much my darling. My arms ache, and I know Christmas is going to be hard. Why couldn't you stay? I know that there is a plan that's bigger than me here at work. God is working through you already. He will prevail. He conquers the grave!

I love you.
Mummy xx

20 comments:

  1. Nat you have just brought tears to my eyes, it was so beautiful to see Erins star on the tree, it really does mean so much. Much love to sweet little sebby

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love that you added other Angels <3 How wonderful! Blessings to you and yours <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks for sharing your heart Nat. I wish Seb was here to spend Christmas with your family. By the way, I feel just like you with regards to hearing other people's babies crying. I just have to look, but then I feel so sad and empty. Hannah's cry echoes in my ears.
    Your Christmas tree is gorgeous - we won't get a chance to put ours up for another week, but when we do we will have some special ornaments on ours too.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Love your honest sharing Nat, your journey of faith has been very encouraging.

    Lots of love, hugs & blessings

    Gail C

    ReplyDelete
  5. I was already a bit emotional reading your post, because everything you were saying is how I feel too. At home and out in public. We have to 'go on' with our lives, but it is just so hard doing that without our boys with us. I felt every bit of your post. And then I scrolled down and I saw the little blue bauble for my Josiah, and I lost it.....thank you so much Nat!! I truly believe our boys are up there together, watching us, and whilst that is comforting, I know we would give anything to have them here with us on Earth.....but at least they are not alone, they are protected up there. Lots of love and hugs, Nat xoxoxox Lynn

    ReplyDelete
  6. I just wish I could all ALL of them Jamie, there are many that I'll be thinking of but just can't get a bauble for my tree for (my husband would kill me!)...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Such a touching, honest, heart-felt post Natti.
    Love you mate.
    Miss you Sebby!
    Lus x

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sangeetha GardinerDecember 5, 2011 at 7:28 AM

    My heart breaks for you Nat. Thinking of you, Sebby, Sienna and your beautiful families today and everyday. Thank you so much for including my Pip in your tree and your thoughts. It means so much to me. What other ornaments are you looking for? I'll keep an eye out for them and see if I can help :)
    Love,
    San xxx

    ReplyDelete
  9. I could see the pain in your eyes when you saw Ryan last week. I hope that by writing your blog you can work through your grief. Know that I am always here for you. God has a plan, we just don't know what it is.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Actually Rob, I only realised when I walked into your office, 'That's Ryan, he's about the same age Seb would be'.. and I'll admit I found it harder to hear him crying over the phone last week when you had him there. A cry I never got to hear from Seb... but is all life, I will get triggers, but I have to learn to deal with them.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Such a sweet post and your tree is AWESOME!!! Praying for you and all the baby loss moms!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh my sweet sweet friend you have an amazing strength which God has blessed you with and He is working through you and your loss to reach those who may not know his nearness always remember my you are not far from my thoughts .....
    "The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever leans on, trusts in, and puts his confidence in the Lors is safe and set on high". Proverbs 29:25
    Love and hugs always
    Sara

    ReplyDelete
  13. Awwwww, i am so touched that you have an ornament included for zoe & addie....i have never had anyone else remember the girls on their christmas tree these past 4 christmases since zoe left us.....i have a huge lump in my throat that someone with a kind heart in austrailia would remember them, someone other than their mommy.....thank u so much for this, many hugs as u miss your sweet seb xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  14. I know how hard it is to lose your baby& though I may not know you all that well,I know enough to tell you that you are a wonderful woman & mother.And,that Seb. may not be here with you phsically,but he is watching you& every move you make & he know the love you have for him...I know he is so proud of you!! <3 Im sure Seb & all our little Angels will be having there own little Christmas in Heaven. I sure my Josiah (JoJo) was there to welcome him Home & there playing & having so much fun with all the other Angels up there......Lots of Love!! <3

    ReplyDelete
  15. As I've said, I wish I could represent all of the angel babies I know. but I saw this one and thought of your girls coz of the two hearts. You have been a wonderful friend and support to me also, thanks Hope.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Matt &amp; Stacy AubeDecember 15, 2011 at 2:05 PM

    how sweet of you to think of Rachel for your tree! I have to tell you...I think about you & Seb every day - but just today, I was looking at our tree and the little red bows we have made me think of him - I don't have ornaments for specific babies, but love that idea! So, as I was just lookingg at your tree, I saw you have some of the same red bows...I put them on Rachel's tree at her spot too. I'll be thinking about your sweet boy this Christmas and praying for your heart. It's so hard to not have them here with us. love you!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thankyou Stacy! Yes I've had those little red bows for a couple of years, how lovely that we share them. They will now remind me of Rachel too. And I couldn't find a daisy anywhere so I've added a little silver butterfly for Rachel. I guess whatever it is, as long as it reminds me of your sweet girl and to say a prayer for your family. Love to you all xx

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for stopping by and leaving a message. May your day be blessed. xx

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...