As I drove home from school drop-off, when I often listen to my Seb songs and have a bit of a cry, I was listening to 'Held' by Natalie Grant... "To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays, is apalling"... and I wondered....
What was I doing when you flew away, my sweet boy?
You died sometime I think on Thursday 1st September when I was 34 and a half weeks pregnant. I know I looked for signs of your life that night in our quiet time together, but I think you were already in our Saviour's arms.
When did you slip away? What was I doing at that point in time?
Was I resting after lunch, sleeping peacefully - as you peacefully reached out for the arms of Jesus and left mine?
Was I saying hello to Lani as I picked her up from kindy? Did I reach out and hold one of my children, as my little one inside me slipped from my reach, and I didn't even know?
What was I doing that precise moment when your little heart stopped and you were ushered through Heaven's gates?
I don't even remember anything I did that day. I just know that night that I somehow knew in my spirit that you weren't there any more. And I guess only God really knows the exact moment when he called you Home.
I didn't have you in my arms, loving you and kissing you as you slipped away, the way any mother would want if we absolutely had to say goodbye to our child. I just didn't know. You so quietly left me.
Did I even get to tell you I love you so very much? I can't remember.
But I know that you know. I know that Jesus would be telling you all about me. I'm not sure if you watch down on me, but I know that the Holy Spirit lives in my heart and knows my heart and my feelings, and I think He freely comes from my heart to Heaven, and I hope He tells you everything. Tells you that I love you and I miss you so very much. That I have my good days, but that I have days when all I can think of is that you're not in my arms. Days when I'm home without the other children and I find myself in a moment where maybe I would have been sitting on the couch quietly nursing you. Or maybe we would have been taking a walk. Or I would have been watching you sleep.
But I won't get those moments, and I miss them so desperately. I miss you so desperately.
I love you.
God speed, little man.
Sweet dreams, little man.
Oh, my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings.
God speed. Sweet dreams. (Dixie Chicks)