I have been really struggling the last few days of the school holidays, I will admit. I'm a bit of a loner at times and love my own company, and since Seb died almost 4 weeks ago, I've not really had any time to mysel - with absolutely no-one else around. And so I haven't had the time I need to really just 'be' in my grief or 'be' with God. The kids have been bickering at each other, fighting, being incredibly loud, and I have been really struggling with it! I have felt out-of-control and have felt the anxiety rise up in me as I wanted to (and sometimes did) just yell "SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!"
Yesterday I felt particularly out of control. And it was barely 8am! As I hid in the kitchen trying to escape the children, I dropped my toast on the ground and of course it landed avocado side down. I lost it. I just went into my room, got under the covers and cried! Greg came in a few minutes later and said he would take carers leave and stay home with me for the day. As I lay there in my bed, hugging Sebby's teddybear and feeling out of control, I just cried out to God. I didn't like who I was being right now, not at all.
"Lord, this sucks. I need some time to be alone. I don't like who I'm being right now. Please just let your Peace wash over me right now. Help to calm me down. Let me see my children through your eyes, the beauty and love you have for them. Please give me your Joy today."
My plan was to go back to sleep. But right then, Eli asked if he could do the breakfast dishes. Bless his little servant heart. Greg didn't want to fuss with him doing it (and the mess it might make) but I knew that he wanted to help and I had to nourish and encourage that servanthood. So I got out of bed, and helped hi - making sure the water wasn't too hot, and showing him how to check that each dish was washed properly.
I felt God's peace. My anxiety had melted away.
HE HEARS MY CRY AND HE ANSWERS ME!
Psalm18:6 - In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.
Psalm 34:4 - I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
Psalm 86:7 - When I am in distress, I call to you, because you answer me.
Greg promised he would take the little ones out to the park for a couple of hours (Jaidyn was having a visit with his grandparents), so I could have some time on my own. So after lunch he packed them up and left.
SO QUIET. SO BLISS!
Yet, I didn't feel I needed to have my cry right then. Previously, I so wanted everyone to leave so I could walk around my loungeroom, listen to some songs, hold Seb's things, and just openly cry. But when the time came, His Peace still resided in me. So I put on some worship music and just let His presence wash over me. I cried not with sorrow for my baby, but in awe of my God as I sang to Him.
John 14:27(a) - Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.
Psalm 29:11 - The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.
Philippians 4:7 - And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
HE IS GOOD.
Oh Nat - I totally get your need for time alone. I'm like that too. I'm so glad God gave you peace yesterday. I've been thinking of you and praying for you often lately. I pray that you continue to feel God's peace & presence and that you get more alone time when you need it. Big hugs! Jas xx
ReplyDeleteHe is so good! Crying is one of those things I've never been able to schedule and it usually comes when I would rather it not! I'm so glad you found tears of joy and peace in the midst of your pain. ♥
ReplyDeleteHoney, I'm so glad His peace washed over you. I'm glad you got some much needed alone time even if it didn't end up looking like you'd imagined it. I'm sure more time with tears will come.
ReplyDeleteGreg, you are a legend mate in my books for seeing the need of your precious wife and taking the day off work. You are a blessing to each other.
I love those scriptures you shared sweetie too. He really does hear our prayers doesn't He?
Love you so much mate. x
i remember trying to cope with everything, the kids nurses in and out all the time and there was this one moment i wont forget i was mopping the kitchen floor and the handle of the mop broke and i just had a breakdown over it, i think i really needed to cry though and i did feel better for it after.
ReplyDeleteLus u said it so beautifully xo
ReplyDeleteWhat you described has been just about everyday of my life the past 4 1/2 yrs!! Its always that struggle of needing to grieve, needing to take care of licing children, aching for time alone to cry or just feed my heart, and oh how I know the little things like avocado on toast hitting the floor can tip us over......and oh how i know the peace that will also come at times in the storm. God is with us in those hard moments....and I'm not so sure we are being someone we shouldn't be when we feel so much angst and unrest and our hearts are achimg so much--sure we don't need to mistreat our kids but its also okay for them to know we are sad and we are struggling, that's real life. Hugs to you! Hope =)
ReplyDelete