Its been just over 3 weeks since we said goodbye. Greg went back to work this week, and I'll admit I've struggled a little. Patience is not something that is close by at the moment. I am aching for some time alone, but its not something I've really had since Seb was born. We've had funeral plans, parents in law, friends, a funeral, a holiday and then school holidays. And I'm craving for some alone time. Time to sit, time to listen to music, time to look through his photos, time to cry - all without being interrupted by a 'Can I have something to eat?', or a 'Eli won't let me have the lego wheels' or a 'Mum, can you play rolling with me?'. I am a private griever and I love my own company and I'm struggling that I haven't had any. Next week, I plan to sit at home on my child-free days and just be. I NEED it.
And so to think that life goes on, well I'm not there yet. For me, I haven't even had my personal grieving time! I haven't had much of a chance to just let it all go and to miss my baby. And the rest of the world still turns? How?
My Mum asked me on Monday if I'm going to get back into my sewing business or my beauty treatments. That it might 'be good' to get back into things. Are you kidding me? No, I'm not going to get back into my sewing this week. Probably not next week either, or maybe not next month. I did just give birth to a dead baby. I held my son's lifeless body for 6 hours, then I said goodbye forever. That was less than 4 weeks ago. No, my life does not 'just go on' right now, thankyou very much. I know some might mean well to suggest things, but I don't want to go back to life. I WANT time to miss my boy and to acknowledge that he was alive and a huge part of my life. I want to talk about him, I want you to ask me about him. Hell, I could really just talk about him all day. If he was alive, I'm sure I'd be forgiven for being a proud Mum telling her friends all about his little antics, his cute nose, his little toesies. but I don't get asked. People 'don't want to upset me or remind of my pain' maybe?
But life seems to go on around me. There's no more meals, the cards and flowers have stopped arriving in the mail. Life goes on for everyone else. And I'm stuck here a little. My life is a little 'on hold' until the kids go back to school and I get my me time. And then my grief might actually start, while I should be starting to get back to normal?
I miss my baby boy so much. Since Seb's been born, I've had a small handful of friends give birth to their beautiful healthy babies. I am very happy for them, but every time I hear about another baby's birth, it sends a pang of heartbreak straight to this mother's heart. Reminds me that I don't have my baby in my arms. That I can't breastfeed him, or play with his toes, or even change a disgusting nappy. All things I'd do anything for right now. That right now, my friend is probably talking to her sweet baby girl, and all I have are a few moments to remember of my baby.
I am a fairly positive person, and I have mostly been able to stay that way. I've had unwavering faith in God that He is doing good here. And I KNOW He is. But it doesn't mean its ok that I don't have my baby. I'd much rather him in my arms.
The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.