Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Life goes on?

Its been just over 3 weeks since we said goodbye. Greg went back to work this week, and I'll admit I've struggled a little. Patience is not something that is close by at the moment. I am aching for some time alone, but its not something I've really had since Seb was born. We've had funeral plans, parents in law, friends, a funeral, a holiday and then school holidays. And I'm craving for some alone time. Time to sit, time to listen to music, time to look through his photos, time to cry - all without being interrupted by a 'Can I have something to eat?', or a 'Eli won't let me have the lego wheels' or a 'Mum, can you play rolling with me?'. I am a private griever and I love my own company and I'm struggling that I haven't had any. Next week, I plan to sit at home on my child-free days and just be. I NEED it.

And so to think that life goes on, well I'm not there yet. For me, I haven't even had my personal grieving time! I haven't had much of a chance to just let it all go and to miss my baby. And the rest of the world still turns? How?

My Mum asked me on Monday if I'm going to get back into my sewing business or my beauty treatments. That it might 'be good' to get back into things. Are you kidding me? No, I'm not going to get back into my sewing this week. Probably not next week either, or maybe not next month. I did just give birth to a dead baby. I held my son's lifeless body for 6 hours, then I said goodbye forever. That was less than 4 weeks ago. No, my life does not 'just go on' right now, thankyou very much. I know some might mean well to suggest things, but I don't want to go back to life. I WANT time to miss my boy and to acknowledge that he was alive and a huge part of my life. I want to talk about him, I want you to ask me about him. Hell, I could really just talk about him all day. If he was alive, I'm sure I'd be forgiven for being a proud Mum telling her friends all about his little antics, his cute nose, his little toesies. but I don't get asked. People 'don't want to upset me or remind of my pain' maybe?

But life seems to go on around me. There's no more meals, the cards and flowers have stopped arriving in the mail. Life goes on for everyone else. And I'm stuck here a little. My life is a little 'on hold' until the kids go back to school and I get my me time. And then my grief might actually start, while I should be starting to get back to normal?

I miss my baby boy so much. Since Seb's been born, I've had a small handful of friends give birth to their beautiful healthy babies. I am very happy for them, but every time I hear about another baby's birth, it sends a pang of heartbreak straight to this mother's heart. Reminds me that I don't have my baby in my arms. That I can't breastfeed him, or play with his toes, or even change a disgusting nappy. All things I'd do anything for right now. That right now, my friend is probably talking to her sweet baby girl, and all I have are a few moments to remember of my baby.

I am a fairly positive person, and I have mostly been able to stay that way. I've had unwavering faith in God that He is doing good here. And I KNOW He is. But it doesn't mean its ok that I don't have my baby. I'd much rather him in my arms.

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

10 comments:

  1. Nat, I understand COMPLETELY, and I want to just encourage you to guard your own heart and take care of it, allow it to breathe, to grieve, to just sit in silence, if you do what everyone else wants you to do for THEIR own comfort you will be causing your heart more pain in the long run.....Much love & Hugs, Hope xx

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  2. It's amazing how people think there is a time limit.. & then you should be "normal" again. Because that's just not the case at all. :(

    I love love the scripture on top.. about knowing you before you were in your mother's womb. It makes me feel that my son didn't die in vain, but had a special purpose.

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  3. there is never a time limit i still want to grieve for my little girl even after all this time

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  4. I had a realisation last night that this IS my new normal. That 'normal' changes once you've experienced something like the loss of your baby. That the empty and 'flat' feeling will always be there, but that I will just learn to live that new normal.
    Thanks girls.
    ~ Nat

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  5. Oh Nat. I think sometimes people just don't know what to say. Unless you have experienced something like this (which I haven't), you tend to just say things that you think are the right things to say. Like 'it will get better with time' and 'let yourself grieve' or 'occupy yourself through the day' or 'get back into some type of routine'. I know right now that this is not what you want to be hearing but when will a good time be? Probably never. I think the fact that you are sharing all your emotions through this blog is a wonderful thing. We can support you when you need it and when you are ready, we can support you as you need it.

    Hugs beautiful girl, I'm thinking of you everyday. And I absolutely want to hear all about your beautiful boy. I'm so jealous of his head full of hair - my two had virtually nothing and what they did have fell out pretty quickly! Do you think he would have had dark hair like you? Or more softer brown like his brothers and sister? You go ahead and share all you want and yes I will ask!

    All my love
    Jane xxx

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  6. Thankyou for asking Jane! Just like any regular mum wants nothing more than to talk about her baby, so do I!
    I loved all his hair too - so beautiful isn't it! I think his hair looked like it might have grown some curl to it, actually, so yes like mine. However, I actually had golden ringlets as a child. Eli's has always been dark much like mine - but Jai and Lani have the light/golden brown hair - Lani's is going darker. I think maybe Seb's would have been like Eli's?? His hair was also curly when it was longer.

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  7. Matt & Stacy AubeSeptember 30, 2011 at 6:57 AM

    I love your new pictures at the top... He DEFINITELY has your button nose! He is so sweet. This post brought me right back to a month after Rachel died. I bet if you read stuff on my blog from around that time, you would find the same struggle for me... when the cards and the calls stopped... when people moved right on to Christmas and left Rachel in the past....it broke my heart and I felt even more alone. And that has continued as time has passed. Some days are harder than others - I'm so sorry you have to grieve your precious son. My heart breaks for you and I think about you and Seb every day. I love the verse you chose for this post, it's one that comforts me often, but when everyone and everything else seem so far away and this lonely road through the loss of your son weighs on your heart, God is with you. I know you know that. I know you believe His plan is perfect. I know that you are positive that He is using your sweet boy for His great eternal purposes and I know you are thankful for that. But I also know that the pain is real. I know how it feels to hold my dead baby and have to say goodbye....for now.... while it feels like forever. And I know how far away heaven feels when someone you love and carried in your womb and bonded with so deeply is there and you're here. I'm so sorry you know too. Praying for your Mama's heart as you walk this road. I wish he was still in your arms too. ♥

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  8. Thanks so much hun. I think I was only reading that very post about Christmas on your blog the other day. Its like I want to just scream out 'Hang on! I'm still here and still hurting! Don't leave me behind!'. I have found that being honest and sharing that is helping. In the last few days, I've had a lot more people checking in on me, and asking abut him
    Yes, it hurts like crazy. But God is so faithful and good still. Even this week, I have seen the rewards of being a faithful servant - those very 'eternal uses' you speak about - a friend has given her heart this week, and that makes it all just a little more bearable.
    Thankyou Stace for sharing this road with me, and for sharing your heart and your prayers with me. I am also thinking of you and Rachel everyday, and of course little Asa too, praying his birth is all it can be, in Christ.
    Love to you xx.

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  9. Thankyou always for your beautiful heart for God and for our healing hun. You bless my heart xx

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  10. Thinking of you in these early days.

    Be assured the pain becomes more bearable with time.

    Sara
    lifepoststillbirth.blogspot.com

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