Yes, I am still here. And I'm still pregnant.
Still waiting, still hoping, still slightly fearful. All part of the journey huh.
I think God is trying to show me in a big way a lesson in patience. I don't really like patience. It's particularly hard when I am so so ready to meet this little person, to say goodbye to that thing called a Rainbow Pregnancy and all its fears and apprehensions, to hold my living baby in my arms and take care of him in ways I wasn't able to with Sebastian.
Today I am 40 weeks + 4 days. No, not really that far over. But I think I had convinced myself a little too strongly that this baby would come early, like his older brother and sister did - in the 39th week. And so it's been a long, slow and tedious 2 weeks, watching, waiting, feeling every niggle my body makes, willing it to make more.
But God has been working in this two weeks. Even now, He moulds me. He grows me. He draws me closer to Him.
I think it was easier to hope that Rainby would make his appearance in the last week of August. Because that was still August, and that was far enough away from Sebastian's first birthday for my liking. For me to deal with one thing (birth) then deal with the next (Seb's birthday).
But now Sebastian's birthday is only 2 days away, and this baby still seems very comfortable inside. And that fear has been running rampant this week. Fear that both my boys will share the same birthday.
How does a mother do that? Mourn for one child and celebrate another - the very same day? How do I go each year, wanting the birthday of my rainbow to be a fully joyous occasion, yet trying to fit in my thoughts and emotions, and commemoration for my dead son - on the same day?
I will admit a few days ago, I was petrified. And it took me back to this same time last year, when I couldn't fathom Sebastian being born silently into this world on Fathers Day. How could Fathers Day be special then, how could it ever be a joyous occasion again? And yet, God met me there. Right where I needed Him. And in fact, Sebastian WAS born on Fathers Day. And God turned my fears into reality, yet He added a dash of His Peace, a lot of His Strength, and a measure of His Beauty and it turned out that in fact, Greg having all his children in his arms for Fathers Day was a beautiful thing. Of course Fathers Day will never really be looked at the same again. Regardless of the date (which changes every year), we will always remember Fathers Day as the day we gave birth to our angel, the day we held our dead baby, the day we said hello but had already said goodbye. That memory will always be there. But I guess mingled with some happy thoughts and moments too.
And so maybe I CAN handle it if Rainby is born on Sebastian's birthday? Maybe?
I found myself on my knees again in front of God this week. He always meets me where my fear lies. Meets me head-on with His Love, and His Understanding and Truth.
I cried out to Him 'Please don't let this baby come on Seb's birthday. I NEED that day for Him'.
And I heard 'Trust Me'.
And I do. I really do.
But I guess human nature tends to want to control what we can, process the thoughts and feelings we can and try to make sense of them, try to 'put a handle' on them.
But I also know now in a very real way that trusting God does not mean I will not get hurt. I trusted God with everything I had with Sebastian. I trusted Him, and he died anyway. I didn't trust that God WOULD heal him, but I trusted he COULD. I trusted that His Way was the best for us. Somehow. And so here I am again, trusting God, but knowing that trusting Him does not mean this baby will not come on Seb's birthday. Nor even that he will be born alive and healthy.
And that's where SURRENDER comes in. The truth is, I cannot control it. I cannot choose the day this child comes into the world - well short of induction, which God knows is not a path I choose to take. And so I HAVE to surrender. I HAVE to trust God has it in His hands, and it will be perfect. It's all I can do.
And so I do. I surrender it all to Him. I usually throw a 'but please make him come any other day than Seb's birthday' in there for good measure, but I do know full well that my timing is not God's timing. I really do. I know that He can turn our mourning into dancing. I know that He can sprinkle a bad thing with His Love and turn it OK. And so I do trust Him that if Rainby arrives on Seb's birthday, then that is His plan, and He will carry me through it. It might still be hard, but He will carry me through.
He always carries me. He is always with me.
Yet, still the fear is in the back of every moment, and every thought, and every day that goes by with no signs of progressive labour - inching towards Sebastian's birthday.
Please pray for me?
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"