until we see Rainby again. (so affectionately nicknamed by some dear BLM friends - 'rainbow baby' = Rainby)
Its a mixed bag of emotions though.
Because its one week and two days until the very same scan (morphology/anatomy/19 weeks) when our world was turned upside down and we found out our precious 4th baby was probably going to die.
So yeah, as I said, mixed emotions.
Mostly, I've let my heart desire and be excited about this baby. But I guess there's always that 'what if' in the back of my mind. Or in the mid-front rather. Those thoughts are still very much there actually. But I try to just 'be positive' and hope in the promises of my God, in the promise I felt He gave me, that 'He wouldn't take us through this storm again' - the significance of my 'Rainbow' - Noah's ark style.
So far in this pregnancy, in the two scans we've had previously, Rainby looks to be healthy. It looks a far cry from what Sebastian looked. That's promising for a healthy baby we can bring home. BUT I also know a few other babyloss mamas who've lost babies to T18 too, one in particular where it was not detected at all during scans in the pregnancy. Trisomy 18 does not always present as strongly as it did for Seb; and so those thoughts niggle away sometimes.
But as I said, mostly I am hopeful. I am excited. I am joyous. I am expectant. I have been planning in my head - the nursery, the decor I want to sew, the cloth nappies I want to make for Rainby. I've been looking at furniture we need to buy (we have to start mostly all over again coz we got rid of most our baby things due to lack of storage space).
I'm just waiting now to find out pink or blue.
And I guess, in the depths of my heart, I'm waiting on that healthy 19 week scan.
Please keep us in your prayers as we go into this scan. I'm sure the emotions we felt with Sebastian - at the very same scan - will resurface. Many other BLMs expecting their rainbows talk about 'getting past the milestone when their baby died/was born/was found to be sick'... this is the first of those for me. The next will then be getting past 34 weeks, when Sebastian went to be with Jesus.
I so want to bring home this baby. Can you keep us in your prayers that that will indeed happen.
And as a side note, can you please pray that Rainby is behaving so we can see if pink or blue. I know that's a little trivial in the scheme of things - but I'm so ready to start creating for this little one, and I want to know!!
I establish my covenant with you: Never again will all life be destroyed by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth.” And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.