Saturday, February 4, 2012

5 months...

Today is the 4th of February. My darling Sebby, you would have been 5 months old today. But instead, we've been without for this long now.

My darling... I miss holding you in my arms. I wish we could have frozen this time forever.
People say that time heals, and while I am finding that at times - I don't have as many sad days anymore, and life can and is happy. But at other times I feel so robbed that time is ticking away and every day and every week and every month, its further away from when I held you my darling, and that breaks my heart all over again.

I'm feeling it today. I wish you were here in my arms. I wish I could nurse you and change your nappies and just have you here.

I wonder what you would look like now, and what you would be doing. I know that if you were here, with the T18, you probably would be very dependant on medical intervention and help. but that would be OK too. It would mean you were here still. I wonder if you might have had a heart operation now? Who knows?

I also wonder what you would be like if that awful T18 wasn't a part of who you were.

I saw a beautiful baby girl the other day and as I was introduced to her mother, I thought she looked about your age. My friend confirmed it and said she was born about the same time as you. She was smiley and lovely. It made me think of you.

Would you be starting to sit up? Would you have a toothy-peg yet? Would you be sleeping through the nights? What would your hair look like now? Would you be going bald like so many babies are at this age from rubbing their heads on the  bed/mat etc. Would you have a full head of curls like your Mama?

As I rush around like a mad-woman in the mornings making school lunches and trying to get everyone ready for school on time, I have often wondered how on earth I would have done this with a baby! But its something I would gladly be doing! I would much rather you here. After I take the kids to school, and I then have my days to myself, I often think that this would have been my time with you. We would have had so much time to just spend together while your siblings are at school. A mother's group playing with other babies? Coffee dates with you gurgling along in your pram...

And so when people ask me what I'm doing with my days now, I'm reminding of what I *should* be doing with my days now. They wouldn't ask then. But just because you're not here now, doesn't mean I don't remember that you should be. And its sort of a little stab in my heart every time it's asked. I say I'm not doing much. But I know I should be spending time with my sweet little 5 month old baby boy, watching you learn and grow.

God has and continues to takes us through this. He gives us beautiful graces each day, and hope that life will not always be like this. Sometimes He reminds me of where you are, with Him, in a most glorious place, more wonderful and full of beauty that I could ever imagine. And I will see you again there one day sweetie. He is my shelter and my strength. I love to share about His Word, but yet I find that I need to be getting into my bible more. My faith has not waivered and I don't know if it will, but yet I am busying myself with other things more and need to give more time to God again.

He has given me a few opportunities to share about you this month. For one, I have been a part of a study on psychosocial support when given a poor diagnosis, and I found it very important to put in my stance for carrying to term, as I know that so many people don't give their babies that chance. It was so nice just to talk about you and how passionate I am for giving you the chance at life and how much joy you brought me. I hope others might read my words if she publishes any part of my story, and find some hope in them.

Another opportunity I've had this week was talking with a newly bereaved mother from our community who lost her baby boy a few weeks ago. Being able to talk about you, and share the emotions, how we celebrated your life, how we spent time as a family with you etc, really helps my heart. To know that I can help other women - and hopefully make a friend in my community (I don't really know anyone else who lives close-by) helps to make what we've been through a little more easier to bear. I know that God will continue to use me in this way because I have so much passion for helping other families in this way. You have given me this, my sweet boy. You have given my life a lot of purpose. I am still not sure where exactly God will lead me to do His Work with other families, but I will go where He leads me, in small steps if that is the way.

I love you so much my darling. We have your photos up in our huge family wall now. You are in there many times, just as you should be. In all the family photos, you are there - either in my tummy or in our arms.The only time I've had with all my kids. So so precious. I am so very thankful that we were able to have these beautiful photos taken. Here you are in our family wall...

We miss you so much darling. Its hard to imagine we've nearly had half a year without you. I wish it wasn't so. Love you my darling boy, we will never ever ever forget you. I hope you're having a beautiful time in Heaven with our Lord.

Mummy xx


  1. I think of you and Seb often, everytime I see a baby and feel that twinge of sadness that I won't be haveing anymore, I think of how it must feel for you seeing Seb's peers and the constant reminder it must be.
    Know that I send up a little prayer for you often XOXO

  2. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Nat. You and Seb have been on my mind a lot today. I can hardly believe it has been 5 months for both of us. I often think about what life would be like if Hannah was here with me now too, and what she would be doing as a 5 month old. I blogged about that a few days ago. Time is hard in many ways, isn't it - people think it heals, but it brings different pain too.

  3. dear Nat, i read your blog today with tears in my eyes it was so beautifully written, even now after 3 years i still wonder what little Erin rose would be doing now. The only thing that helps me is that i know she is in a beautiful place with all the other children. Much love to you sebby and family xx


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