The week after Seb went to Jesus was a crazy crazy time. We were so busy planning the funeral, making everything right (the control-freak in me) that there was barely time for letting our new journey start. There was no time for grief and tears and sadness. Hardly time to remember each little part of my boy. We had a few tears as we went to bed each night, and it helped talking to a few friends about him in that week - describing all his features, and the time we spent with him. But for me, as a private griever (as Greg is too), it was complete madness. I CRAVED some time to myself, to just think about my baby. To cry and cry. But it didn't come.
And so Greg and I decided that we would take off for a couple of days together. Best idea ever. Having my in-laws staying with us meant that we had babysitters thankfully, and they were all too happy to give us that time together.
We went down to the Gold Coast to a nice hotel to spoil ourselves a little and just have time out.
We talked a lot. And it was so good. We shared about our confusions, our feelings and where we thought God was going to take us. We remembered our boy and the funeral service and our journey with him.
The grief I thought would hit, still didn't. But we've talked about that too. There were a few tears, but mostly we just talked about our road, about Seb and our family. It was very precious time with my husband to relax, reflect and reconnect.
Being a morning person, I didn't sleep the mornings away. While Greg did, I had some time reading and reflecting. I found that when I wrote, the emotions came back and I FELT. That was good. Here's what I journalled that morning:
Wednesday 14 September 2011
Greg and I are currently sitting in a beautiful hotel room at the Gold Coast. We decided that after the funeral we needed a couple days away together. To be on our own. To be together. To have time to think about our little angel baby.
So far we've had some really nice quality time together. We walked down to the beach quickly in the fading light yesterday afternoon and I wrote Sebby's name in the sands there. Really we needed more light to get some nice photos.
But at one stage a stronger wave came in and washed his name away. Like a thief in the night, snatching my baby from my arms. And he was gone. And he is gone.
I have found it really difficult to 'grieve' the loss of my sweet boy. To be truly honest, I'm really struggling with not grieving. I don't want to be 'strong', I don't want to be able to hold it together. But I am. Why? I want to be the mother that just can't function because she doesn't have her baby in her arms. The mother that cries endlessly for the one she will not see grow up. Just for at least one day. Yet for some reason, I don't feel like that mother. I almost feel like I'm an onlooker, separate from the real emotions that come with baby loss.
I can get out of bed and look at the beautiful sun outside my hotel room and smile.
I can laugh at the idea of my husband I trying to fit in together in the tiny 'jacuzzi' in our bathroom here.
I can think of other things.
I can get on with life.
But why? I just feel like I'm so lousy as a grieving mother. I want my heart to ache and to miss him more than any other feeling I've ever had. I want to be a mess like so many of my angel mum friends.
But for some reason my heart and my head and my body are not together on this one.
Sure, I've shed a few tears here and there, but my grief journey just keeps throwing me wide balls. I SHOULD be feeling a lot more than I am, shouldn't I? After all, I'm a woman, with all those crazy emotions. I was pregnant, feeling my boy kick away inside me. I held him in my arms and kissed his little head and played with his little feet. I am a mother - a connection stronger than almost any other on this earth.
Yet I feel distant. I don't feel like I think I should. And it frustrates me to no end.
I have had so many beautiful and supportive messages on my facebook wall, on my blog and on my parenting forum. So many say 'I can't imagine the pain you're feeling right now'... and it absolutely tears me up inside that I don't feel like I AM in immense pain. There were so many friends at Seb's funeral that were a complete mess of emotions, yet I only really shed a few tears here and there.
I cry now, but I think I'm crying because I hate that I don't miss him like I should. What the hell is wrong with me? I hate that I don't cry like others do. And I'm the mother! I should!!
I'm kinda over the 'you're so strong and brave' comments - not because I don't appreciate people's thoughts, but because I don't want to be anymore. I want to fall apart. Is it silly now to ask God to take His strength away so I can REALLY FEEL?
I want to ache for my little one. I want to cry out to God why! I want to cry and cry and cry. Just let me feel like a real mother, like the mother I portrayed myself to be - loving this little baby with all of my being. Now let me just miss him with all of me being.
After I wrote this, Greg and I did talk my feelings through. I think that because we have been given PEACE about Seb's passing (even though we don't understand the why), that this road is going to be different for me. I may very well not ever fall apart. I will definitely have moments where my body aches, but I don't think its ever going to be all-consuming - and as a friend reminded me last night, all-consuming grief is not a good thing. And so I will be thankful for the strength God gives me each day, and I will take this path of grief as it comes. Maybe one day I will fall apart, maybe I won't. But I'll walk it with God and I know He's there and he hears all my prayers and knows the inner-most thoughts of my mind.