Your first Christmas in Heaven...

My darling boy Sebastian,

Merry Christmas to you, my sweet darling. I imagine this time would be quite glorious in Heaven - the very place where Jesus dwells... where the most amazing King ever lives. Surely its a very rejoicing time! Well, that is, if you even celebrate days or time there? It brings me somewhat of comfort though to think you might be celebrating in the very realm of the King...

Down here on earth we celebrated much like we have in Christmases past. But there was definitely a small hole in our celebrations, that you were supposed to fill.

The day started with the children allowed to choose one present to open before Church. Lani had a big one she just had to get into (a dollhouse bigger than her, I don't blame her!), but the boys chose to open their gifts marked 'From Sebby' first... so you see, you were in the very start of our day.

Jai and Eli chose their first gifts to open - 'from Sebby'...

At church, we sang and rejoiced for the birth of Jesus! The children had a special song they had been learning for a few weeks - 'King of Christmas' by Colin Buchanan - and as I sang and danced along, I suddenly had a thought of what things 'should' have looked like in that point. I should have been dancing along, with you in my arms, bouncing you up and down, giggling and smiling at me. And my arms felt so empty at that point. And the tears welled up quickly and spilled over. Your Dad looked at me and saw my eyes wet, but I'm sure he didn't understand why one minute I was joyously enjoying the song, and the next minute I was a mess. I tried to smile at him through the tears. Jayde must have seen me crying and came over and put her arm around me. That really helped me. I know I was just having a moment, and to be honest sweetie, it was the only real 'moment' of sorrow I had that day. I missed you so much in that moment.

And that's not to say I didn't think of you and wish you were with us at other times of the day, but I thought about you not with despair, but just happy thoughts I guess? I'm not sure, but the day was lovely, not so much sad.

 After church we set out some nibbles and Daddy and I's much-needed coffees and we opened gifts. Your little Christmas bear sat on the coffee table in the middle of the lounge room with us, so you were kind of there - as much as we could have you! Your red balloons (for later) hung behind the couch, watching over us.

Your beautiful Christmas bear sat on the coffee table in the middle of the commotion...

Your red balloons hovered over us...

 It was so nice and relaxed and everyone had such a beautiful giving spirit. As we try to focus on the giving part of Christmas, and loving and caring for each other, we took turns to 'hand out' the gifts, one to each person, then we opened them and saw what each other received etc. When it was Lani's turn to hand out the gifts, she handed me mine and said with a beautiful smile "Merry Christmas Mummy." So tender. So precious. It was very different to the frenzy that often occurs when opening gifts with my side of the extended family. And it was really nice.

Opening gifts together, and seeing what each other received...
your siblings were all so loving and considerate!!

 We all wore our 'red for Seb' as the kids quite often say (they always want to wear red for Seb!)... and Mummy had your little crab badge on that Sarah made me, as well as a couple of other badges/jewellery that reminds me of you...

Mummy wearing red and my angel wing necklace and crab, baby feet and heart badges...

Your Nana and Poppy, Uncle Jeremy and Aunty Shanny came to share lunch with us. We ate turkey breast, leg ham and yummy salads! The tables were dressed in red too, and your beautiful red poinsettia took centre place.

The table was dressed in 'red for Seb' too...

Your beautiful red poinsettia took centre place on the table...

We enjoyed turkey, ham and delicious salads for lunch...

After lunch was my favourite part of the day. We quickly opened some more presents from Nana & Poppy, but then we each took one of the Random Acts of Kindness from your red box and read them out... it was so beautiful to hear what people had done, all over the world in your precious name, my darling. It warmed my heart so much, while it missed you just a little more... I am so grateful that so many people thought of us and of you this Christmas time, it helped to ease our pain just a little bit...

Nana (my Mum) reading out a RAOK that someone did in your honour, sweet boy...

Handing out your red balloons...

Ready to send you red balloons beautiful boy...

Lani lets hers go!

We watched them float away!! We love you and miss you Sebby xx

 Your Nana gave us a most beautiful terracotta angel for us to put in your garden. I cannot wait to get this special place ready. As I don't have a grave to 'visit' you at - and I struggle with that from time to time, I just feel I need something to 'nurture' (its the least and the most I can do for my boy who's not here with me)... and so a garden - while we've never been avid gardeners - seems like a lovely idea... and I think I can do and enjoy it. For you...
Your angel can hold a candle underneath her too... she's just lovely...

Beautiful terracotta angel statue for your garden from Nana & Poppy... I love her...

 Daddy bought Mummy a beautiful red rose bush to plant for you.
It's very pretty...

Daddy bought Mummy this beautiful red rose bush...

After everyone had left and it was nice and quiet around here again... I lit your candles and watched them for a while, thinking of you sweet boy. Sometimes I really hate just having candles and plants and stuffed toys and necklaces to remember you. But it wasn't to be. You are so safe with our Lord now, where there is no sickness or death. And I have the assurance in my salvation that I will be with you again one day. Until then, I just have to wait, remember you and light your candles...

Your candles burned brightly for you Christmas night...

Say a big "Happy Birthday!" to Jesus for me. I lit the nativity candles too. Remembering both the gift of you my sweet boy, and the gift of our Lord and Saviour...

Happy Birthday Jesus...

I love you so very much. And I miss you so very much. The ache in my heart comes and goes, like the ocean ebbs and flows. Some days are harder, like Christmas, yet I know that God continues to wash His Peace over me - peace that passes all understanding. I don't know why I don't cry as much as I thought I would, but I know that I feel a lot of peace about you my darling. I know that only comes from God.

I love you darling. Fly high. Merry Christmas xx