6 months without you...

I did actually start writing about Seb's 6-month angelversary the day after - which now is almost a month ago - we reach 7 months tomorrow - but hadn't finished it yet. For some reason, I'm finding it hard to write at the moment...

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My darling boy, Sebastian Levi...

Yesterday was 4 March 2012, marking 6 months since the day you were born. 6 months since we held you in our arms. 6 months since I played with those gorgeous feet and touched your hair.

I miss you so much baby boy.

I think the lead-up to this anniversary - your 'half-birthday' - has been harder than any other, yet we have been so surrounded by the love of friends and family this week also, making it a teeny bit easier to bear, knowing that there are a lot of other people missing you too.

Yesterday I was mostly OK. I kept myself rather busy and so I haven't had a lot of reflection time yet (maybe that will be today?) but that's OK. It was important to me to do something special for you yesterday, even though if you were here, it would have been just another day really, with a bit of time to stop and think 'Wow, he's 6 months old already'. But when you are in Heaven, and not here for me to love and nurture on, my mother's heart needs to do these things. I need to show you and others how much I love you and still need you here.

I was having a hard time trying to think of what we should do with the day. I was unsure about releasing balloons, well because we've done it a couple of times now (your funeral, your 1st month and Christmas) and I do want it to still be special so don't want to always be releasing red balloons. I think we'll save that for your first birthday now. I did have the idea to make you some cakes - and found a recipe for red velvet cupcakes - seems fitting because, as Eli and Lani say 'red is your favourite colour'. So Lani and I spent a while in the kitchen, getting red dye everywhere, but making our little boy some lovely red cupcakes for his half-birthday. We even used the left-over red rolled icing to cut out little 'S' and butterflies. Lani wanted to make one for Hannah too, so we used some other cutters too and made a cupcake for a few of our special babies - Hannah, Rachel, Josiah - and even though we were already using the S cutter for your cupcakes, Lani insisted there had to be one for Sienna too.
(I almost gave up when my cream cheese frosting didn't work - I think I turned it to butter, whoops! - but thankfully I had just enough icing sugar left to make a regular butter cream. So I had a moment in my room, picked myself back up and continued with the cupcakes. They looked great in the end.)

Lani and Mummy making your cupcakes...

Red velvet cupcakes - for Seb (& Sienna), Rachel, Josiah & Hannah

A friend had suggested going to the beach for the day/afternoon and I thought this would be a wonderful idea. The weather was not behaving though and as it rained on and off in the days before and even yesterday morning, I wondered if we would even get to the beach. But God gave us a few hours in the afternoon of sunshine - even if with a few clouds and a lot of wind - so we decided to go as local as we could (as there was a severe storm warning for the Sunshine Coast) and we headed up to Sutton's Beach at Redcliffe for a few hours.

It was really windy, but your brothers and sister had a ball running along the sand, chasing seagulls, playing at the water's edge and writing your name in the sand too. I found much joy in watching them remember you, but I wished I had you strapped tightly to my chest, protecting you from that wind. We all wore our 'red for Seb', such a wonderful and tangible way we can always remember you - and will continue to do so whenever we see or wear red, even if it was unintended...

The boys writing your name in the sand...

Eli wrote 'Sebby Mardon, love Elijah'

Your gorgeous big brother, Elijah.

Mummy wrote your name next to the water to photograph, and Daddy sat there thinking about his precious boy.

Lani wrote your name too, she knows very well how to spell 'Seb'.

Mummy and Eli (and your little brother or sister in there too)

Having fun, chasing seagulls...

Playing in the sand.... add one little baby... sigh....

Mummy and Lani writing your name...

After some very windy fun, we ate some chip sandwiches on the beach, and your cupcakes.

Chip sandwiches on the beach... 

Eli, Jai and Lani with your cupcakes...

 And your candles burned brightly that night back at home...

Your candles.... I love to watch them, and look at your photo with all the lights out.... its beautiful...

We were very blessed in the week leading up to this little 'milestone' that you were remembered by so many of our friends, and we received some beautiful little gifts in the mail. It warmed my heart that you were remembered by so many, not only us...

We miss you so much my darling, and today is now the 3rd April 2012 - meaning 'your day' is tomorrow again. How it seems to come around so quickly each month now. It's really hard to believe that it was 7 months ago that we knew you had died, that we were in hospital, just waiting for your arrival now, not sure how we would feel when we saw you, just waiting for that bus of emotion to knock us out. 7 months. More than half a year now. Time goes fast, and my memory is starting to grow dimmer. I don't really 'feel' you in my arms like I did that day you were born, and that breaks my heart that you could become so distant already. Its so hard to think of the times ahead - will I still remember you so vividly? I don't want to forget, it scares me. I want you to remain a special part of our lives and our family for so many years to come. People don't often talk about you anymore. Everything is about this new baby now. But I just wish it was you. This little one will never ever replace you my sweet boy, and I will love you and miss you every single day of my life to come.

Mummy xxx