As I drove home from school drop-off, when I often listen to my Seb songs and have a bit of a cry, I was listening to 'Held' by Natalie Grant... "To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays, is apalling"... and I wondered....
What was I doing when you flew away, my sweet boy?
You died sometime I think on Thursday 1st September when I was 34 and a half weeks pregnant. I know I looked for signs of your life that night in our quiet time together, but I think you were already in our Saviour's arms.
When did you slip away? What was I doing at that point in time?
Was I resting after lunch, sleeping peacefully - as you peacefully reached out for the arms of Jesus and left mine?
Was I saying hello to Lani as I picked her up from kindy? Did I reach out and hold one of my children, as my little one inside me slipped from my reach, and I didn't even know?
What was I doing that precise moment when your little heart stopped and you were ushered through Heaven's gates?
I don't even remember anything I did that day. I just know that night that I somehow knew in my spirit that you weren't there any more. And I guess only God really knows the exact moment when he called you Home.
I didn't have you in my arms, loving you and kissing you as you slipped away, the way any mother would want if we absolutely had to say goodbye to our child. I just didn't know. You so quietly left me.
Did I even get to tell you I love you so very much? I can't remember.
But I know that you know. I know that Jesus would be telling you all about me. I'm not sure if you watch down on me, but I know that the Holy Spirit lives in my heart and knows my heart and my feelings, and I think He freely comes from my heart to Heaven, and I hope He tells you everything. Tells you that I love you and I miss you so very much. That I have my good days, but that I have days when all I can think of is that you're not in my arms. Days when I'm home without the other children and I find myself in a moment where maybe I would have been sitting on the couch quietly nursing you. Or maybe we would have been taking a walk. Or I would have been watching you sleep.
But I won't get those moments, and I miss them so desperately. I miss you so desperately.
I love you.
God speed, little man.
Sweet dreams, little man.
Oh, my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings.
God speed. Sweet dreams. (Dixie Chicks)
Oh Nat - he absolutely knows how much you love him. How everyone in your family and around you loves this gorgeous little boy and the legacy he has left.
ReplyDeleteDo you think he left when he did because you were ready? Not that you could ever be ready for it but that you had reconnected with Jesus and prepared yourself and your family for what was going to happen.
It is lovely to think they he drifted off as you were quietly sleeping. And my beautiful girl, I know you didn't get to hug him but he felt your hugs, every single day of his previous life.
Love and hugs xxx
He absolutely knows you love him. And I believe he is watching down over his Mommy. Yes, He is in the arms of our Savior, but he is watching his mommy, he's with you every day. Not tangibly, but he's there. Can't you feel those butterfly kisses? Hunny, that's Seb telling Mommy he loves you.
ReplyDeleteOh nat, seb knew how much you and the rest of your family loved & wanted him. <3
ReplyDeleteSeb was such a lucky little boy to have a mummy who loved and cherished him so much in his short life. I agree with Jane, perhaps he left when he did as he knew you were 'ready'. You are so strong and my heart breaks whenever I think of what you're going through gorgeous girl. God Speed little man, sweet dreams little man xxx
ReplyDeleteSuch a heartwrenching post. I have often wondered what it was like for Carleigh the moment she died. I'm sure it was wonderful for her.
ReplyDeleteThat was so beautiful. I am the opposite, though I don't know exactly when Joel died, I remember every detail of that day and often wonder what I could have done to stop him going.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you could have done anything Wendy. Sadly these things happen. I'm so sorry about Joel :(
ReplyDeletewhat a sweet post to your sebs....xoxo
ReplyDeleteOh Nat, sweetie, such a thing for a mamas heart to have to wonder :( I have being thinking of you and praying for you. My daughter was drawing the other day and it reminded me of Sebastian from the little mermaid which made me think of your sweet little Sebastian Levi. Luv Donna
ReplyDeleteSebastian <3
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